True Self

Richard Rohr says my True Self is who I am from the moment of my creation in the mind and heart of God. The Zen masters call it “the face you had before you were born.” Meister Eckhart says, “The eye with which I see God is the same eye with which God sees me”—the part of me that looks out from God’s own gaze. This True Self is who I was before I had a single desire, did anything right or wrong, or made any decisions for good or ill.*

Rohr also names the True Self the Substantial Self, the Absolute Identity, and the Anchored Self. The Anchored Self feels so true. In the moments when I’ve touched that place within me, it feels like aligning with the world’s most powerful magnet. That pull always feels like love. My ego wants to be separate, superior, or less than. It wins a lot. Being bipolar has fed that story of separateness for a long time. I spent years in isolation, convinced no one could understand me. It’s what kept me from going to meetings. Even with my history of substance abuse, I told myself my real issue was mental illness.

My issue is my ego. It performs and pretends. It hoards hurt and curates holiness. It would rather feel exceptional—high or low—than simply be human.

There should be a 12-step meeting called Egomaniacs Anonymous: all are welcome. As far as I know, those meeting don’t exist, so I’ve settled into an open 6 a.m. AA meeting where I’ve met some incredible people, some of whom also live with bipolar disorder. We’re all different, and sort of the same. I feel so much less alone.

The more I align with my True Self, the clearer it becomes that recovery isn’t about substances or even symptoms; it’s about surrendering the illusion of separateness. Like I said in Table Manor, my goal in life is “to consciously reside in oneness with others.” I can only do that with others. Sitting in a room full of drunks at 6 a.m. has been a great place to start.

*from Just This by Richard Rohr